Not got somewhere to stay after your bust up in the club after you chatted that girl up – the one who’s boyfriend was the DJ? During the fisticuffs the constabulary arrive and take you off the hands of the club owner.

Fear not, you will not be without somewhere to stay. You will be able to stay in an hostelry which is

• open 24 / 7, 365 days a year.
• disinfected on a regular basis and is subject to regular inspections.
• Select meals provided
• Some cells en-suite
• All major credit cards and belongings confiscated
• Telephone (one call per guest)
• (CC)TV in all rooms
• Sturdy locks on all rooms as standard
• Wipe clean mattresses
• Free shuttle bus to the doorstep (with secure cage)
• All guests entered on to our national database
• Fully non-smoking throughout

There are special weekend rates as well…

The Greater Mancherster Police are advertising their best accommodation in their many branches of the Drunk and Disorderly Inn. Will the franchise extend to Belfast? Has any one asked Matt Baggott CBE QPM? Or David Ford?

After all the rates are reasonable…

We offer a range of mix and match payment plans that include:

• Fixed penalty notices (£80 minimum)
• Fines (up to £5,000)
• Criminal record
• Prison sentence
• Possible loss of job
• Possible family breakdown
• Possible loss of standing in community
• Naming and shaming in local press
• Ban from all pubs